a whole new ballgame

It's a new year, so it's normal to feel like we want to wipe the slate clean. And I am no exception. You know how sometimes you hang on to things (or people) longer than necessary and for what? To relive what doesn't work? To remind you that you are better off without the drama and that ultimately, to be happy it's necessary to hold out for what you really want.

It doesn't mean the people of your past have no chance of being in your future. It just means you don't have to drag them with you anymore. If they want to be there down the road, they know what measures to take and until then it's not up to you to wait for them. They may not want you to. Not a fun thought but a necessary thought to keep it moving forward.

2009 was a little rocky, a little fast forward and it seemed to be too chaotic. 2010 already looks like it'll at least start calmer and with renewed energy. The negative energy of 2009 has stayed right where it needs to.

I'm going to embrace the new year, the possibility of everything...

you go on ahead, don't worry about me

Someone once told me that they like to run things til the wheels fall off. Even if what they're starting is a mistake. I, on the other hand, couldn't be more opposite. I am a quit while you're ahead kind of girl. That's why I've held four jobs in five years, (well, that and the fact that I get bored out of my mind and don't know what I'm going to do with my life), it's why I was so happy to win a whole eleven dollars at the casino the other night before I cashed out and it's the reason I assess and reassess a situation that I really shouldn't be in. The double assessing is a pretty clear sign it's time to cut and run.

I will say there are situations that live out their stay longer then most. But it doesn't matter how long it takes to get there, once I'm ready to fix what's broken, I'm not riding it out wheel by wheel til I have none left. Once I figure out that my job makes me miserable and I'm getting paid to do something I definitely didn't need to go to college for the two options are: do something I love or make more money. So far, it's been the latter but soon I hope to be able to combine the two. But I'll still smile and do my job and when I give my inevitable two weeks notice, my employer will be surprised, just like all the employers before. Why? Why would they be surprised that I quit a not getting paid what I'm worth , sleep with my eyes open, have to deal with raggedy ass people who do nothing but complain job? Because once I'm in I'm in.

I'll show up to work on time, early even. I'll stay through lunch. There's rarely a time when there is work left on my desk. But I can tell by now the signs when I am reaching my point. The wheels haven't fallen off yet, but they're coming loose so I start planning my departure. Like when you were a kid and instead of stopping your bike, you just kind of hopped off and let it ride by itself the few extra feet til it crashed...or was that just me?

It's the same with friendships. When I'm in, I'm in. I don't half ass my friendships. There's no way that I would want someone in life to feel like they are disposable, that I only maybe sorta want them in my life. When you see you're putting in more then you're getting out you wonder two things: why is this happening? and how long have I let it happen? Then you decide based on history and loyalty, love and just a it doesn't matter either way kind of philosophy if you're gonna spend the energy and time to really make it what it could be or look elsewhere to what you deserve.

I know what I deserve.

No one should drive themselves crazy trying to get someone to be a better friend or care more. That's why they're your friends in the first place because you don't have to be nice to them and they don't to you, it's a choice. Annoyance can add up. Disappointment. And definitely hurt. I haven't had to leave a lot of friendships, but when I have it feels like a break up in a sense. Someone you trusted and loved and wanted to be around has turned into someone else. Someone opposite all that. And sometimes you'll fight to see the person that was once your friend, but if a person changes, they change and really, it probably has little to do with you. So after the fighting and trying to understand and more fighting, it's a fade into the background and out of the picture situation. Until the space between the time that was spent together gets farther and farther apart until it's almost like neither person existed in each other's life at all. Until someone says their name in a random conversation and you think, I used to know them...

I'm not trying to end up broken on the side of the road with no wheels. I want to run for as long as possible but I know when something isn't working. I know when what needs to be fixed doesn't have anything to do with me. And when that time finally arrives, I still get a little stunned and more than a little sad realizing I've had one foot out the door the whole time.

note to self

I think when you start to grow up you stop blaming people. You stop pointing fingers at people who you think wronged you. You stop wishing that they would've done things differently. When you start to grow up, you may not realize it until what you've gone through is over.

I think when you start to grow up you learn from your mistakes. You learn to do foolish things for no other reason than it's exactly what you want to do. You do things everyone is telling you not to. But they are things you have faith in, things you believe to be amazing, things that you think are worth it. And when it turns out that it might not have turned just like you always wanted, you don't regret it, you just feel like that you gave it your all and didn't settle for less than what you deserved.

I think when you start to grow up the way you love someone can be blurry. You can love someone and not trust them at the same time. And your mind can get confused because your heart knows that it will never be what you want it to be if you're always left unsure. You can sometimes love someone because they need it, not because they deserve it. You love despite knowing that you have a chance to get hurt. You love knowing for certain that you will get hurt. You love because making someone happy beats breaking their heart any day.

I think when you start to grow up you realize that God really does have a plan. No matter what religion you are or what God you believe in. You see how the things, good and bad, happen at just the right time for the right reasons, even if you can't see it today. Even if you can't understand it at the time. It's not always for us to understand. Some days it's just knowing that there's a bigger, better plan and what's happening right now in this moment, even if it's awful, even if it hurts, it's not all there is. There's more.

I think when you start to grow up you understand that you are in charge of your own happiness. No one else can determine your worth and put a limit on all you have to offer, so don't let them. No one should be allowed to make you question that in yourself and if they do, then it's not up to you to try to change their mind.

I think when you start to grow up it doesn't make disappointments hurt any less, doesn't make life any easier but it makes you really begin to believe that there is nothing that you can't do. I think that it gives you enough scars to battle another day. Somehow you love more, forgive easier and pick yourself up to live and smile another day. I think it prepares you for all that's in store, let's you see just how good things are gonna be...

it's all gonna be perfect

I admire people who get married at a young age. Because they have struggles of not only the typical couple of money and family but also the struggles of immaturity and trust and not knowing what you want out of life. Maybe I just admire people who get married period. Some people find it out early on, what they want, who they want. I think how much I've learned in the past decade about relationships and what makes them work and what breaks them apart. I always believed in the fairytale that love conquers all. And it really doesn't. You can love someone while they break your heart and that's not a relationship. And that's definitely not a fairytale.

I can't say that what I wanted at twenty is that much different from what I want now out of life or love. I want adventure and excitement. I want to fall in love, be swept off my feet. But I know now falling in love doesn't come from one person trying to make it work all the time. It doesn't come from making excuses and painting the pretty picture of how it should look. It comes from both battling through the ugly and enjoying the pretty, not one or the other. Falling in love has taken a long time to realize.

I want someone I can stand by and be happy with and unafraid to argue with. Someone I trust to be on my side. I want someone who thinks there's nothing I can't do. Earlier on in life I just wanted to love someone. And I should've known that was the easiest part. The rest is the challenge. To accept someone to come into your already happy life and promise you the world, it's hard not to hesitate for a minute and think what if that promise turns out to be too big for them?

It's the big picture and it's the details. The promises but also the willingness to try. I'm not perfect. My husband won't be either. But I'm pretty sure we will be perfect for each other. And that's reality and a fairytale all rolled into one.

i'll leave it up to you

A stranger told me a random story. Random because I was trying to figure out how the story pertained to me. She told me she read an article recently that polled 500 married couples and 500 divorced couples and both polls listed infidelity and financial arguments to be the top reasons for fights. Since I am neither married nor divorced, I didn't know what she was getting at, why she decided to share this information with me. And then she said, so really it comes down to love. If you're in it, there will always be things you're going to have to forgive. You'll always have to move forward from things that you can't forget, to let go.

It's not always so easy. If someone hurts you time and time again, you eventually learn your lesson and separate yourself from that person because isn't the simplest goal in life to be happy? No one wants to repeat history when all history does is break your heart. But then you realize there are times you don't have a choice. Just because you decide you don't want someone to be part of your life, you're only one part of that decision. The other belongs to that person and the third belongs to God.

So maybe I was told this random story by this strange lady for a reason. Maybe there are things I haven't been able to move forward from or let go of. Maybe there are things that are left to be figured out that don't need to be.

Or, maybe she thought I looked like someone who would be in it. As in, in it to the end. That I better chin up now because the road ahead will may be filled with some of the same. And it'll be up to me if I can choose to forgive into the future or pout around in the past. Guess I didn't realize that love is the easiest way to help make a decision, even if you aren't sure it's the decision you want to make. Even if it might hurt you. Even if it might change what the outcome might be. Love conquers all, she said. And at least that much is true, because that's not a choice. That's something that can happen whether you like it or not...

you are not me

someone told me once what a fool i'd be
if i let my heart decide what was best for me
i was smart and strong and would be able to see
that one day listening to them
would be the right choice for me
my lack of worth spilled from their lips
without saying a word
they leave you and blame you
they wanna make sure they're heard
and you feel like a fool
but you know you can't cry
had you only listened
you wouldn't be asking why
because didn't someone tell you that it'd turn out this way
had i only chosen to listen
had i been able to obey
i stooped down where they stood
i made myself small so they could believe
that their choices had anything to do with me
what i choose is to love
what i choose is to be believe
that i can't turn into someone else
like the fool they thought i'd be...
i laugh and cry when i think of all their made up rules
what it'd be like to not be a fool
to not make mistakes
to not know how to give
to only seek what you can take
to forget how to live
so i'll stay small for you
whatever you say i am, that's exactly what i'll be
i listened well but you forgot i can also see
you keep trying to put all your self-doubts, all your fears
onto me...

but i'm not your fool
and you are not me

flashback to 333 E. 89th St. in NYC

I can't stop listening to the new Jay-Z cd. More, I can't stop listening to track five, which is his ode to New York. The beats mixed with piano, the lyrics...it all mesmerizes me, takes me back for a second. Back to a time when I had everything at my fingertips for the taking. Ah, New York City, a place I once called home, which now feels like a lifetime ago. I've almost forgotten what it felt like. The anticipation, the excitement, the fact that for a moment I was doing exactly what I wanted at the exact time I wanted to. And I miss it.

I wonder sometimes if I'll ever go back. I don't cancel it out, though I think I did my time. Don't think I was made to be a New York lifer. I miss the people, the bright lights that they always sing about, the possibility you feel, it's no lie. Everyone loves you without knowing you. They disregard you in the same way. The city draws you in like a first love and in a second it's on to the next thing. And it doesn't matter because the next day, you see something new, you can become a different person. Always living for the future, the next. The past was something you could barely remember. It was the kind of communal anonymity that you can't experience anywhere else in the world. Or at least anywhere I've been thus far.

In one of his verses, he talks about girls who go to New York and follow down the wrong path, they fall into all the temptations that the city has to offer. I was a different person when I was there and while I never did anything I am ashamed of , some of it is not something I'm necessarily wanting to relive. That's the beauty though, there's no need to. And even on the days the city kicked my ass because of the floods that always seemed to happen in Grand Central whenever it rained or the days it was so humid that I'd arrive to work just wishing I could turn around and go shower, I loved it.

I loved the bagels, which really do taste different. I loved that New Yorker's have their own language and each borough has their own slang off that. The food, the street fairs, the cheap beer, the expensive clubs. The fact that you could walk down 5th Avenue and feel like a celebrity because the doormen would do that slight bow to you, the store clerks would treat you like you were someone to know because for all they know, you are. I loved the eccentricity, the grittiness, the history, the architecture and listing it all right now, it makes me smile because I think, man, I was just a baby then.

Just like everything else in my life, New York has helped prepare me for all the things that I have yet to seek out in my life. It gave me confidence to actually pursue things without thinking twice about other people's opinions. It let me know that it's okay to turn to plan b or c or d, and it's truly the kind of city that welcomes you. You feel part of it the first time you step off that plane, get into your first cab, you feel like you're home. That's how it was for me.

Maybe it's listening to the song, maybe it's remembering my experience there and maybe it's a little cliche but it helps put a little swagger back into my step. It helps remembering what it felt like to not be able to go anywhere but forward because the number rule that the fast pace of New York City will teach you is to keep that shit movin'...

and so I do.