Someone once told me that they like to run things til the wheels fall off. Even if what they're starting is a mistake. I, on the other hand, couldn't be more opposite. I am a quit while you're ahead kind of girl. That's why I've held four jobs in five years, (well, that and the fact that I get bored out of my mind and don't know what I'm going to do with my life), it's why I was so happy to win a whole eleven dollars at the casino the other night before I cashed out and it's the reason I assess and reassess a situation that I really shouldn't be in. The double assessing is a pretty clear sign it's time to cut and run.
I will say there are situations that live out their stay longer then most. But it doesn't matter how long it takes to get there, once I'm ready to fix what's broken, I'm not riding it out wheel by wheel til I have none left. Once I figure out that my job makes me miserable and I'm getting paid to do something I definitely didn't need to go to college for the two options are: do something I love or make more money. So far, it's been the latter but soon I hope to be able to combine the two. But I'll still smile and do my job and when I give my inevitable two weeks notice, my employer will be surprised, just like all the employers before. Why? Why would they be surprised that I quit a not getting paid what I'm worth , sleep with my eyes open, have to deal with raggedy ass people who do nothing but complain job? Because once I'm in I'm in.
I'll show up to work on time, early even. I'll stay through lunch. There's rarely a time when there is work left on my desk. But I can tell by now the signs when I am reaching my point. The wheels haven't fallen off yet, but they're coming loose so I start planning my departure. Like when you were a kid and instead of stopping your bike, you just kind of hopped off and let it ride by itself the few extra feet til it crashed...or was that just me?
It's the same with friendships. When I'm in, I'm in. I don't half ass my friendships. There's no way that I would want someone in life to feel like they are disposable, that I only maybe sorta want them in my life. When you see you're putting in more then you're getting out you wonder two things: why is this happening? and how long have I let it happen? Then you decide based on history and loyalty, love and just a it doesn't matter either way kind of philosophy if you're gonna spend the energy and time to really make it what it could be or look elsewhere to what you deserve.
I know what I deserve.
No one should drive themselves crazy trying to get someone to be a better friend or care more. That's why they're your friends in the first place because you don't have to be nice to them and they don't to you, it's a choice. Annoyance can add up. Disappointment. And definitely hurt. I haven't had to leave a lot of friendships, but when I have it feels like a break up in a sense. Someone you trusted and loved and wanted to be around has turned into someone else. Someone opposite all that. And sometimes you'll fight to see the person that was once your friend, but if a person changes, they change and really, it probably has little to do with you. So after the fighting and trying to understand and more fighting, it's a fade into the background and out of the picture situation. Until the space between the time that was spent together gets farther and farther apart until it's almost like neither person existed in each other's life at all. Until someone says their name in a random conversation and you think, I used to know them...
I'm not trying to end up broken on the side of the road with no wheels. I want to run for as long as possible but I know when something isn't working. I know when what needs to be fixed doesn't have anything to do with me. And when that time finally arrives, I still get a little stunned and more than a little sad realizing I've had one foot out the door the whole time.
12.07.2009
note to self
I think when you start to grow up you stop blaming people. You stop pointing fingers at people who you think wronged you. You stop wishing that they would've done things differently. When you start to grow up, you may not realize it until what you've gone through is over.
I think when you start to grow up you learn from your mistakes. You learn to do foolish things for no other reason than it's exactly what you want to do. You do things everyone is telling you not to. But they are things you have faith in, things you believe to be amazing, things that you think are worth it. And when it turns out that it might not have turned just like you always wanted, you don't regret it, you just feel like that you gave it your all and didn't settle for less than what you deserved.
I think when you start to grow up the way you love someone can be blurry. You can love someone and not trust them at the same time. And your mind can get confused because your heart knows that it will never be what you want it to be if you're always left unsure. You can sometimes love someone because they need it, not because they deserve it. You love despite knowing that you have a chance to get hurt. You love knowing for certain that you will get hurt. You love because making someone happy beats breaking their heart any day.
I think when you start to grow up you realize that God really does have a plan. No matter what religion you are or what God you believe in. You see how the things, good and bad, happen at just the right time for the right reasons, even if you can't see it today. Even if you can't understand it at the time. It's not always for us to understand. Some days it's just knowing that there's a bigger, better plan and what's happening right now in this moment, even if it's awful, even if it hurts, it's not all there is. There's more.
I think when you start to grow up you understand that you are in charge of your own happiness. No one else can determine your worth and put a limit on all you have to offer, so don't let them. No one should be allowed to make you question that in yourself and if they do, then it's not up to you to try to change their mind.
I think when you start to grow up it doesn't make disappointments hurt any less, doesn't make life any easier but it makes you really begin to believe that there is nothing that you can't do. I think that it gives you enough scars to battle another day. Somehow you love more, forgive easier and pick yourself up to live and smile another day. I think it prepares you for all that's in store, let's you see just how good things are gonna be...
I think when you start to grow up you learn from your mistakes. You learn to do foolish things for no other reason than it's exactly what you want to do. You do things everyone is telling you not to. But they are things you have faith in, things you believe to be amazing, things that you think are worth it. And when it turns out that it might not have turned just like you always wanted, you don't regret it, you just feel like that you gave it your all and didn't settle for less than what you deserved.
I think when you start to grow up the way you love someone can be blurry. You can love someone and not trust them at the same time. And your mind can get confused because your heart knows that it will never be what you want it to be if you're always left unsure. You can sometimes love someone because they need it, not because they deserve it. You love despite knowing that you have a chance to get hurt. You love knowing for certain that you will get hurt. You love because making someone happy beats breaking their heart any day.
I think when you start to grow up you realize that God really does have a plan. No matter what religion you are or what God you believe in. You see how the things, good and bad, happen at just the right time for the right reasons, even if you can't see it today. Even if you can't understand it at the time. It's not always for us to understand. Some days it's just knowing that there's a bigger, better plan and what's happening right now in this moment, even if it's awful, even if it hurts, it's not all there is. There's more.
I think when you start to grow up you understand that you are in charge of your own happiness. No one else can determine your worth and put a limit on all you have to offer, so don't let them. No one should be allowed to make you question that in yourself and if they do, then it's not up to you to try to change their mind.
I think when you start to grow up it doesn't make disappointments hurt any less, doesn't make life any easier but it makes you really begin to believe that there is nothing that you can't do. I think that it gives you enough scars to battle another day. Somehow you love more, forgive easier and pick yourself up to live and smile another day. I think it prepares you for all that's in store, let's you see just how good things are gonna be...
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