2010 Roll Out

It's been three months since my last real post. I've been writing like a maniac for everyone, but myself. I asked for it and I am grateful for it, as writing for others is what keeps me fed, sleeping in my comfy bed and the other necessities of life. The year has gone both quickly and slow, if that's possible. I started the year antsy in Kansas wanting the beaches of California and mid-year that's exactly where I ended up.

A big trip the move to Cali was and continues to be. Driving cross country in my little red car that could, through the flat, boring land of New Mexico, around the mountains in the dark somewhere outside of Phoenix to my resting spot in Southern California. I am here. At the beach or near it, just like I had predicted I would be at the start of 2010.

And now it's November. My days roll together like one continuous week. I've had two friends get married within the past several weeks and another getting married in one week, which I am the maid of honor for. This wedding has been a year in the making and I couldn't be more excited. What I've found from moving and commuting back and forth is balance.

Balance and calm.

I didn't start the year calm and am just now feeling the effects of what it will be, so as 2010 rolls out, I feel 2011 will begin just where I wish to be. It took a lot of changing on my part. It took getting rid of old ways that didn't work. With other people in my life, with myself. I feel that there has been a slate wiped clean. There is the residual from the plan that was chalked before, but slowly it's being covered for the new plan that's been put into place.

I asked for guidance. I asked for strength. I asked for focus. And that is why I am where I am. On the path. Strong. Focused. The one thing that hasn't changed is my ability to adapt, to have faith in times of chaos, to love in times of loneliness. Right around the corner I see it. Right around the corner it's going to be full speed ahead.

For now then, I will be slow and steady. I will be calm and ready.

Woosah

People search for their internal peace in different ways. They take trips around the world, ala Eat, Pray, Love. They retreat into their houses and become hermits. They have mid-life crises. For me, it just happened. Kind of.

The thing is that I'm on such a fast paced way of life. I'm always looking for what's going to happen next, always trying to prepare myself for the worst case scenario that I have a hard time slowing down to wait for anyone or anything. I don't know how to do calm. I'm looking over my shoulder waiting for there to be chaos. The stillness of it all makes me nervous.

Since moving to the west coast, I've been forced to slow down for a second. I've had to wait for my things to arrive. Wait for the right opportunities to come along. I had to just simply wait, which is something I'm no good at.

It's helped me realize what it is that I really want out of my life though. And what I want is an adventure. My future involves me being married with kids in a lovely home, enjoying the adventures of me and my family. I don't know who I'm marrying or when those kids are coming, but I feel like those are inevitables in my life.

For now, before I take on the whole nine I just want the adventure. I've lived in five places in six years and have had the same amount of jobs in the same amount of time. Maybe I've been waiting for everyone else to catch up. Maybe I've been waiting for a reason to slow down.

Someone told me they hope that I find what I'm looking for out here near the ocean. I didn't know all this running was me seeking. I didn't know actually taking time to slow down would help me see more clearly what the search has been about.

So for now, unexpectedly, I've found some peace. I'm relaxed but still a bit restless, two things that typically don't go hand in hand. But two things that at this moment in my life are keeping me balanced, moving forward and embracing life.

i am a betty

My friend told me that I remind her of Ugly Betty. Personality, not looks-wise. I've never watched the show, which I guess is now over, but I asked her to elaborate. She explained, Betty says she's going to do something, it might be ridiculous or silly, but if she gets the idea in her head, she will do it and innately know things will all work out in the end.

Betty is lucky, because her plans have been marked out by story writers who love to give viewers a happy ending. But, I am luckier, because as cheesy as it sounds, I am the writer of my own story.

All the things I decide to do, whether it's a planned move cross-country, a leap in love, I will stand by choice and have one-hundred percent faith that everything will work out, not only how it's supposed to, but in a way that turns out pretty freaking amazing.

2.7.10

What makes someone attractive?

It's attractive when someone has a goal. When someone doesn't believe in stopping something short. Inspiring people are attractive because you admire their drive, their will and you check yourself in the mirror and make sure that that same drive is alive in you and if it isn't, then you have work to do.

It all has to start somewhere. Usually, deciding what it is that you want to do. And it doesn't have to be one thing. It doesn't have to be a huge project or a pipe dream, it can start small. But the point is to find that starting point and go. It all counts and no matter how big or small it's life changing.

And that's attractive.

It's attractive when a person can face adversity and tragedy and be able to cry. Be able to let people know that what they've gone through was indeed painful but did not define them. It doesn't make them who they are, it catapults them forward to better times.

Whoever said tucking your feelings in was the best solution, was the thing that kept you strong is lying. And it's only a matter of time before that person crumbles. Strength is owning up to who you are, what you stand for. Strength is acknowledging the fact that we all our human and have emotions. And sometimes we can't control them, and why should we? The ones who can show their emotion, learn and keep it moving.

That's attractive.

There's no need to be someone we're not. No need to shine less so someone else can have the spotlight. There's room for everyone. There's enough ambition out there for everyone to work for what they want.

And that's what I want. I want everything. And I'm gonna get it.

a whole new ballgame

It's a new year, so it's normal to feel like we want to wipe the slate clean. And I am no exception. You know how sometimes you hang on to things (or people) longer than necessary and for what? To relive what doesn't work? To remind you that you are better off without the drama and that ultimately, to be happy it's necessary to hold out for what you really want.

It doesn't mean the people of your past have no chance of being in your future. It just means you don't have to drag them with you anymore. If they want to be there down the road, they know what measures to take and until then it's not up to you to wait for them. They may not want you to. Not a fun thought but a necessary thought to keep it moving forward.

2009 was a little rocky, a little fast forward and it seemed to be too chaotic. 2010 already looks like it'll at least start calmer and with renewed energy. The negative energy of 2009 has stayed right where it needs to.

I'm going to embrace the new year, the possibility of everything...