It's been three months since my last real post. I've been writing like a maniac for everyone, but myself. I asked for it and I am grateful for it, as writing for others is what keeps me fed, sleeping in my comfy bed and the other necessities of life. The year has gone both quickly and slow, if that's possible. I started the year antsy in Kansas wanting the beaches of California and mid-year that's exactly where I ended up.
A big trip the move to Cali was and continues to be. Driving cross country in my little red car that could, through the flat, boring land of New Mexico, around the mountains in the dark somewhere outside of Phoenix to my resting spot in Southern California. I am here. At the beach or near it, just like I had predicted I would be at the start of 2010.
And now it's November. My days roll together like one continuous week. I've had two friends get married within the past several weeks and another getting married in one week, which I am the maid of honor for. This wedding has been a year in the making and I couldn't be more excited. What I've found from moving and commuting back and forth is balance.
Balance and calm.
I didn't start the year calm and am just now feeling the effects of what it will be, so as 2010 rolls out, I feel 2011 will begin just where I wish to be. It took a lot of changing on my part. It took getting rid of old ways that didn't work. With other people in my life, with myself. I feel that there has been a slate wiped clean. There is the residual from the plan that was chalked before, but slowly it's being covered for the new plan that's been put into place.
I asked for guidance. I asked for strength. I asked for focus. And that is why I am where I am. On the path. Strong. Focused. The one thing that hasn't changed is my ability to adapt, to have faith in times of chaos, to love in times of loneliness. Right around the corner I see it. Right around the corner it's going to be full speed ahead.
For now then, I will be slow and steady. I will be calm and ready.
11.11.2010
8.21.2010
Woosah
People search for their internal peace in different ways. They take trips around the world, ala Eat, Pray, Love. They retreat into their houses and become hermits. They have mid-life crises. For me, it just happened. Kind of.
The thing is that I'm on such a fast paced way of life. I'm always looking for what's going to happen next, always trying to prepare myself for the worst case scenario that I have a hard time slowing down to wait for anyone or anything. I don't know how to do calm. I'm looking over my shoulder waiting for there to be chaos. The stillness of it all makes me nervous.
Since moving to the west coast, I've been forced to slow down for a second. I've had to wait for my things to arrive. Wait for the right opportunities to come along. I had to just simply wait, which is something I'm no good at.
It's helped me realize what it is that I really want out of my life though. And what I want is an adventure. My future involves me being married with kids in a lovely home, enjoying the adventures of me and my family. I don't know who I'm marrying or when those kids are coming, but I feel like those are inevitables in my life.
For now, before I take on the whole nine I just want the adventure. I've lived in five places in six years and have had the same amount of jobs in the same amount of time. Maybe I've been waiting for everyone else to catch up. Maybe I've been waiting for a reason to slow down.
Someone told me they hope that I find what I'm looking for out here near the ocean. I didn't know all this running was me seeking. I didn't know actually taking time to slow down would help me see more clearly what the search has been about.
So for now, unexpectedly, I've found some peace. I'm relaxed but still a bit restless, two things that typically don't go hand in hand. But two things that at this moment in my life are keeping me balanced, moving forward and embracing life.
The thing is that I'm on such a fast paced way of life. I'm always looking for what's going to happen next, always trying to prepare myself for the worst case scenario that I have a hard time slowing down to wait for anyone or anything. I don't know how to do calm. I'm looking over my shoulder waiting for there to be chaos. The stillness of it all makes me nervous.
Since moving to the west coast, I've been forced to slow down for a second. I've had to wait for my things to arrive. Wait for the right opportunities to come along. I had to just simply wait, which is something I'm no good at.
It's helped me realize what it is that I really want out of my life though. And what I want is an adventure. My future involves me being married with kids in a lovely home, enjoying the adventures of me and my family. I don't know who I'm marrying or when those kids are coming, but I feel like those are inevitables in my life.
For now, before I take on the whole nine I just want the adventure. I've lived in five places in six years and have had the same amount of jobs in the same amount of time. Maybe I've been waiting for everyone else to catch up. Maybe I've been waiting for a reason to slow down.
Someone told me they hope that I find what I'm looking for out here near the ocean. I didn't know all this running was me seeking. I didn't know actually taking time to slow down would help me see more clearly what the search has been about.
So for now, unexpectedly, I've found some peace. I'm relaxed but still a bit restless, two things that typically don't go hand in hand. But two things that at this moment in my life are keeping me balanced, moving forward and embracing life.
4.17.2010
i am a betty
My friend told me that I remind her of Ugly Betty. Personality, not looks-wise. I've never watched the show, which I guess is now over, but I asked her to elaborate. She explained, Betty says she's going to do something, it might be ridiculous or silly, but if she gets the idea in her head, she will do it and innately know things will all work out in the end.
Betty is lucky, because her plans have been marked out by story writers who love to give viewers a happy ending. But, I am luckier, because as cheesy as it sounds, I am the writer of my own story.
All the things I decide to do, whether it's a planned move cross-country, a leap in love, I will stand by choice and have one-hundred percent faith that everything will work out, not only how it's supposed to, but in a way that turns out pretty freaking amazing.
Betty is lucky, because her plans have been marked out by story writers who love to give viewers a happy ending. But, I am luckier, because as cheesy as it sounds, I am the writer of my own story.
All the things I decide to do, whether it's a planned move cross-country, a leap in love, I will stand by choice and have one-hundred percent faith that everything will work out, not only how it's supposed to, but in a way that turns out pretty freaking amazing.
2.07.2010
2.7.10
What makes someone attractive?
It's attractive when someone has a goal. When someone doesn't believe in stopping something short. Inspiring people are attractive because you admire their drive, their will and you check yourself in the mirror and make sure that that same drive is alive in you and if it isn't, then you have work to do.
It all has to start somewhere. Usually, deciding what it is that you want to do. And it doesn't have to be one thing. It doesn't have to be a huge project or a pipe dream, it can start small. But the point is to find that starting point and go. It all counts and no matter how big or small it's life changing.
And that's attractive.
It's attractive when a person can face adversity and tragedy and be able to cry. Be able to let people know that what they've gone through was indeed painful but did not define them. It doesn't make them who they are, it catapults them forward to better times.
Whoever said tucking your feelings in was the best solution, was the thing that kept you strong is lying. And it's only a matter of time before that person crumbles. Strength is owning up to who you are, what you stand for. Strength is acknowledging the fact that we all our human and have emotions. And sometimes we can't control them, and why should we? The ones who can show their emotion, learn and keep it moving.
That's attractive.
There's no need to be someone we're not. No need to shine less so someone else can have the spotlight. There's room for everyone. There's enough ambition out there for everyone to work for what they want.
And that's what I want. I want everything. And I'm gonna get it.
It's attractive when someone has a goal. When someone doesn't believe in stopping something short. Inspiring people are attractive because you admire their drive, their will and you check yourself in the mirror and make sure that that same drive is alive in you and if it isn't, then you have work to do.
It all has to start somewhere. Usually, deciding what it is that you want to do. And it doesn't have to be one thing. It doesn't have to be a huge project or a pipe dream, it can start small. But the point is to find that starting point and go. It all counts and no matter how big or small it's life changing.
And that's attractive.
It's attractive when a person can face adversity and tragedy and be able to cry. Be able to let people know that what they've gone through was indeed painful but did not define them. It doesn't make them who they are, it catapults them forward to better times.
Whoever said tucking your feelings in was the best solution, was the thing that kept you strong is lying. And it's only a matter of time before that person crumbles. Strength is owning up to who you are, what you stand for. Strength is acknowledging the fact that we all our human and have emotions. And sometimes we can't control them, and why should we? The ones who can show their emotion, learn and keep it moving.
That's attractive.
There's no need to be someone we're not. No need to shine less so someone else can have the spotlight. There's room for everyone. There's enough ambition out there for everyone to work for what they want.
And that's what I want. I want everything. And I'm gonna get it.
1.01.2010
a whole new ballgame
It's a new year, so it's normal to feel like we want to wipe the slate clean. And I am no exception. You know how sometimes you hang on to things (or people) longer than necessary and for what? To relive what doesn't work? To remind you that you are better off without the drama and that ultimately, to be happy it's necessary to hold out for what you really want.
It doesn't mean the people of your past have no chance of being in your future. It just means you don't have to drag them with you anymore. If they want to be there down the road, they know what measures to take and until then it's not up to you to wait for them. They may not want you to. Not a fun thought but a necessary thought to keep it moving forward.
2009 was a little rocky, a little fast forward and it seemed to be too chaotic. 2010 already looks like it'll at least start calmer and with renewed energy. The negative energy of 2009 has stayed right where it needs to.
I'm going to embrace the new year, the possibility of everything...
It doesn't mean the people of your past have no chance of being in your future. It just means you don't have to drag them with you anymore. If they want to be there down the road, they know what measures to take and until then it's not up to you to wait for them. They may not want you to. Not a fun thought but a necessary thought to keep it moving forward.
2009 was a little rocky, a little fast forward and it seemed to be too chaotic. 2010 already looks like it'll at least start calmer and with renewed energy. The negative energy of 2009 has stayed right where it needs to.
I'm going to embrace the new year, the possibility of everything...
12.08.2009
you go on ahead, don't worry about me
Someone once told me that they like to run things til the wheels fall off. Even if what they're starting is a mistake. I, on the other hand, couldn't be more opposite. I am a quit while you're ahead kind of girl. That's why I've held four jobs in five years, (well, that and the fact that I get bored out of my mind and don't know what I'm going to do with my life), it's why I was so happy to win a whole eleven dollars at the casino the other night before I cashed out and it's the reason I assess and reassess a situation that I really shouldn't be in. The double assessing is a pretty clear sign it's time to cut and run.
I will say there are situations that live out their stay longer then most. But it doesn't matter how long it takes to get there, once I'm ready to fix what's broken, I'm not riding it out wheel by wheel til I have none left. Once I figure out that my job makes me miserable and I'm getting paid to do something I definitely didn't need to go to college for the two options are: do something I love or make more money. So far, it's been the latter but soon I hope to be able to combine the two. But I'll still smile and do my job and when I give my inevitable two weeks notice, my employer will be surprised, just like all the employers before. Why? Why would they be surprised that I quit a not getting paid what I'm worth , sleep with my eyes open, have to deal with raggedy ass people who do nothing but complain job? Because once I'm in I'm in.
I'll show up to work on time, early even. I'll stay through lunch. There's rarely a time when there is work left on my desk. But I can tell by now the signs when I am reaching my point. The wheels haven't fallen off yet, but they're coming loose so I start planning my departure. Like when you were a kid and instead of stopping your bike, you just kind of hopped off and let it ride by itself the few extra feet til it crashed...or was that just me?
It's the same with friendships. When I'm in, I'm in. I don't half ass my friendships. There's no way that I would want someone in life to feel like they are disposable, that I only maybe sorta want them in my life. When you see you're putting in more then you're getting out you wonder two things: why is this happening? and how long have I let it happen? Then you decide based on history and loyalty, love and just a it doesn't matter either way kind of philosophy if you're gonna spend the energy and time to really make it what it could be or look elsewhere to what you deserve.
I know what I deserve.
No one should drive themselves crazy trying to get someone to be a better friend or care more. That's why they're your friends in the first place because you don't have to be nice to them and they don't to you, it's a choice. Annoyance can add up. Disappointment. And definitely hurt. I haven't had to leave a lot of friendships, but when I have it feels like a break up in a sense. Someone you trusted and loved and wanted to be around has turned into someone else. Someone opposite all that. And sometimes you'll fight to see the person that was once your friend, but if a person changes, they change and really, it probably has little to do with you. So after the fighting and trying to understand and more fighting, it's a fade into the background and out of the picture situation. Until the space between the time that was spent together gets farther and farther apart until it's almost like neither person existed in each other's life at all. Until someone says their name in a random conversation and you think, I used to know them...
I'm not trying to end up broken on the side of the road with no wheels. I want to run for as long as possible but I know when something isn't working. I know when what needs to be fixed doesn't have anything to do with me. And when that time finally arrives, I still get a little stunned and more than a little sad realizing I've had one foot out the door the whole time.
I will say there are situations that live out their stay longer then most. But it doesn't matter how long it takes to get there, once I'm ready to fix what's broken, I'm not riding it out wheel by wheel til I have none left. Once I figure out that my job makes me miserable and I'm getting paid to do something I definitely didn't need to go to college for the two options are: do something I love or make more money. So far, it's been the latter but soon I hope to be able to combine the two. But I'll still smile and do my job and when I give my inevitable two weeks notice, my employer will be surprised, just like all the employers before. Why? Why would they be surprised that I quit a not getting paid what I'm worth , sleep with my eyes open, have to deal with raggedy ass people who do nothing but complain job? Because once I'm in I'm in.
I'll show up to work on time, early even. I'll stay through lunch. There's rarely a time when there is work left on my desk. But I can tell by now the signs when I am reaching my point. The wheels haven't fallen off yet, but they're coming loose so I start planning my departure. Like when you were a kid and instead of stopping your bike, you just kind of hopped off and let it ride by itself the few extra feet til it crashed...or was that just me?
It's the same with friendships. When I'm in, I'm in. I don't half ass my friendships. There's no way that I would want someone in life to feel like they are disposable, that I only maybe sorta want them in my life. When you see you're putting in more then you're getting out you wonder two things: why is this happening? and how long have I let it happen? Then you decide based on history and loyalty, love and just a it doesn't matter either way kind of philosophy if you're gonna spend the energy and time to really make it what it could be or look elsewhere to what you deserve.
I know what I deserve.
No one should drive themselves crazy trying to get someone to be a better friend or care more. That's why they're your friends in the first place because you don't have to be nice to them and they don't to you, it's a choice. Annoyance can add up. Disappointment. And definitely hurt. I haven't had to leave a lot of friendships, but when I have it feels like a break up in a sense. Someone you trusted and loved and wanted to be around has turned into someone else. Someone opposite all that. And sometimes you'll fight to see the person that was once your friend, but if a person changes, they change and really, it probably has little to do with you. So after the fighting and trying to understand and more fighting, it's a fade into the background and out of the picture situation. Until the space between the time that was spent together gets farther and farther apart until it's almost like neither person existed in each other's life at all. Until someone says their name in a random conversation and you think, I used to know them...
I'm not trying to end up broken on the side of the road with no wheels. I want to run for as long as possible but I know when something isn't working. I know when what needs to be fixed doesn't have anything to do with me. And when that time finally arrives, I still get a little stunned and more than a little sad realizing I've had one foot out the door the whole time.
12.07.2009
note to self
I think when you start to grow up you stop blaming people. You stop pointing fingers at people who you think wronged you. You stop wishing that they would've done things differently. When you start to grow up, you may not realize it until what you've gone through is over.
I think when you start to grow up you learn from your mistakes. You learn to do foolish things for no other reason than it's exactly what you want to do. You do things everyone is telling you not to. But they are things you have faith in, things you believe to be amazing, things that you think are worth it. And when it turns out that it might not have turned just like you always wanted, you don't regret it, you just feel like that you gave it your all and didn't settle for less than what you deserved.
I think when you start to grow up the way you love someone can be blurry. You can love someone and not trust them at the same time. And your mind can get confused because your heart knows that it will never be what you want it to be if you're always left unsure. You can sometimes love someone because they need it, not because they deserve it. You love despite knowing that you have a chance to get hurt. You love knowing for certain that you will get hurt. You love because making someone happy beats breaking their heart any day.
I think when you start to grow up you realize that God really does have a plan. No matter what religion you are or what God you believe in. You see how the things, good and bad, happen at just the right time for the right reasons, even if you can't see it today. Even if you can't understand it at the time. It's not always for us to understand. Some days it's just knowing that there's a bigger, better plan and what's happening right now in this moment, even if it's awful, even if it hurts, it's not all there is. There's more.
I think when you start to grow up you understand that you are in charge of your own happiness. No one else can determine your worth and put a limit on all you have to offer, so don't let them. No one should be allowed to make you question that in yourself and if they do, then it's not up to you to try to change their mind.
I think when you start to grow up it doesn't make disappointments hurt any less, doesn't make life any easier but it makes you really begin to believe that there is nothing that you can't do. I think that it gives you enough scars to battle another day. Somehow you love more, forgive easier and pick yourself up to live and smile another day. I think it prepares you for all that's in store, let's you see just how good things are gonna be...
I think when you start to grow up you learn from your mistakes. You learn to do foolish things for no other reason than it's exactly what you want to do. You do things everyone is telling you not to. But they are things you have faith in, things you believe to be amazing, things that you think are worth it. And when it turns out that it might not have turned just like you always wanted, you don't regret it, you just feel like that you gave it your all and didn't settle for less than what you deserved.
I think when you start to grow up the way you love someone can be blurry. You can love someone and not trust them at the same time. And your mind can get confused because your heart knows that it will never be what you want it to be if you're always left unsure. You can sometimes love someone because they need it, not because they deserve it. You love despite knowing that you have a chance to get hurt. You love knowing for certain that you will get hurt. You love because making someone happy beats breaking their heart any day.
I think when you start to grow up you realize that God really does have a plan. No matter what religion you are or what God you believe in. You see how the things, good and bad, happen at just the right time for the right reasons, even if you can't see it today. Even if you can't understand it at the time. It's not always for us to understand. Some days it's just knowing that there's a bigger, better plan and what's happening right now in this moment, even if it's awful, even if it hurts, it's not all there is. There's more.
I think when you start to grow up you understand that you are in charge of your own happiness. No one else can determine your worth and put a limit on all you have to offer, so don't let them. No one should be allowed to make you question that in yourself and if they do, then it's not up to you to try to change their mind.
I think when you start to grow up it doesn't make disappointments hurt any less, doesn't make life any easier but it makes you really begin to believe that there is nothing that you can't do. I think that it gives you enough scars to battle another day. Somehow you love more, forgive easier and pick yourself up to live and smile another day. I think it prepares you for all that's in store, let's you see just how good things are gonna be...
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